“I am dirty”

Sexual images would come to his mind, unwanted.

He felt like there were two voices in his head, one telling him to dwell on the images and one telling him to flee from sin. He would try to distract himself by playing video games. He could hold up for a long time with constant vigilance and extreme care.

After he would masturbate, he would not feel like he could approach God so he would pray “without words.” When he stops masturbating for some period of time, he would feel close to God again.

Is this the victorious life that we have in Christ? Can God only help us manage our sin or is real healing possible?

He had to address the situations that had started this struggle, accusing and forgiving those who had exposed him to pornography for the first time. He confessed his own sins and asked for forgiveness.

He had formed sexual bonds with those images, which is why he didn’t seem to have control over them coming to his mind. They were bound to him. He gave up his claim on those images and asked God to cleanse him, break the bonds with the images and remove those pictures from his mind.

The next time we met, he still had sexual images coming to mind, but not the images that we had dealt with in prayer. For full healing we had to deal with the sexual ties to those images, but we also had to deal with the lie that he was believing.

He believed the lie that he is dirty.

In one sense, he is feeling a very real reality when he feels the defilement of his sin, but those things should not affect his identity.

He prayed, “I am willing to put my problems in your hands. There is a big lie that I believe when I sin: I am a very dirty person. I am not holy and I am very far away from You. I throw away this lie. I agree that I can come to you when I sin or am tempted. Help me to throw away this lie.”

After he prayed this, he waited to see what God’s response would be.

He saw a vision.

There was a train, but something was stopping the train from moving forward on the tracks. His self-desire and sin where obstructing the path of the train to the point where the train had almost completely stopped moving.

In his vision he started praying specifically about the things that were in the way of the train, asking God to remove them.

He felt a serious spiritual battle as he began to pray. He felt his mind wanting to go completely blank so that he would not be able to pray specifically about the things blocking the path of the train. But, God helped him and he was able to pray again.

He saw some sort of flying blade come from the rear of train, destroying the obstructions. Soon there was nothing hindering the train from moving forward.

We discussed this vision together. Sin had stopped the train, but the train was not derailed, damaged or destroyed. We concluded that sin is most definitely a problem, but it does not affect his value. “I am a son of God. I need to do things suitable for a son of God. Whatever battle I face, I will call on him… God, put this truth deeply in my heart.”


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About Nathan Banker

Nathan, Michelle and their two sons are occupational ministers in the Twin Cities. They do spiritual mentoring, a form of prayer ministry call Prayer Resolution and help run a small church-like community called Immerse. They dream of changing the world, one person at a time.

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